Monday, June 23, 2003


Friday, June 13, 2003

I am maintaining 2 mirror images of my blog.

The other is at http://hereandnow.rediffblogs.com
Phew! One more attack brought on by intense work pressure today....series of meetings and I had to take time off to slow down......Impending travel, which I choose not to go ahead with! Looking forward to the weekend to relax.

Of late this is becoming habitual with me. I have started avoiding travel to the extent possible. The condition is called Agoraphobia, where one shows a tendency of avoidance behaviour

Stumbled upon a site called Paniccure Now my experience so far - whatever little that I have - is that most of the sites are based out of US and promise a miracle cure charging anywhere from $75 to $500 depending upon what they have to offer and I take all that with a pinch of salt!

One of my main fear is that of losing control while driving and this site had this to say and Panic Attacks while driving. And it is so reassuring to here this. :-)

Cheers folks, I am going to drive happily back home today!

It is important for me to get up early and do Sudarshan Kriya and meditation regularly. I missed it today morning, overslept by an hour! Even though I was OK in the morning, I am having a Panic attack right now in the office. Tried distracting myself....went and sat in a conference room and took some deep breaths....finally popped in a tranquilizer to calm myself. (My Dr has prescribed it for SOS use). They are addictive and not good for health - side affects include addiction to the drug and dependency forming habit - I try to use it as moderately as possible.....On the other hand they are the best medicines for panic attack, it subsides within 15 - 20 minutes of popping it in. And luckily for me does not impair my ability to function. I feel a lil sleepy but doesn't affect my concentration.

I am not sure what triggered it off...thoughts become hazy and they race past.....

Should go home and do my meditation later tonight! They are my lifeline to keep my sanity and calmness and they have become addictive, once you taste the bliss of meditation, it is difficult to not do it regularly.

A beautiful morning, I woke up early and did the Sudarshan Kriya and meditated. It was beautiful, I could hear the birds chirp and world coming to life.....somewhere in the background, I could hear the chants of Suprabhatam........it is such a beautiful piece of music....and I really like it. I used to sing the first few verses to my daughter when she was about 1.5 years old to wake her up....she used to lie in the bed pretending to be asleep till I recited those few verses... and she really used to love it. Not anymore....she has grown up a bit.

As I understand, the Suprabhatam is an invocation to the divine to wake him/her up. Sage Vashista sang this to wake up Shri Rama, when he took Shri Rama with him to his Ashram to help him kill the demons. These days it is more famous as an invocation to Lord Venkateswara, sung in the melodious voice of Subbalakshmi.

I have an upcoming outstation trip coming up tomorrow and in the background I can sense the fear and anxiety coming up......Shoo! Go away!

A day since the blog went up and I already had Samir writing in with some encouraging words....not bad for a day old blog.

I added NedStat as a counter and as described cut and pasted the code into the template body, but the counter is not showing up and I am not able to figure out what went wrong. Any help would be appreciated.

Why in the moment?
Because our mind has this wonderful tendency to vacillate between the past and the future.
Past Guilts.....incidents.....memories......
Future worries....anxiousness.....fear......
Life is a present; Live in the moment; Live in the now; Live Now and Here!

I suffer from acute anxiety disorder for the last decade or so.....and despite many attempts to treat it...it persists. I have resigned myself to the fact that it is something I may have to live with for the rest of my life.....wonderfully for me I have a supportive family that helps me deal with it. I think of others who may not be so fortunate and shudder.....

It is difficult to describe this disease and more so because our society tends to categorize it into a mental disease and it becomes a stigma to bear the cross, so one cannot discuss it openly with others. I read somewhere that it is probably much better to live with a disease like cancer than to end up suffering something like Panic and Anxiety disorders. Every time I have a panic attack and it can occur anytime anywhere ... while watching a movie, while driving, while eating....anytime any place.....it sends me into a tizzy, thoughts buzz by, my mind races...the physical symptons are...sweaty hands, palpitations, dizziness, shallow breathing, makes me want to sit or lie down ....can't do that in office! or while driving.... and then after a few, long agonizing moments, it subsides, just as it had began.....leaving me confused, irritable, angry, anxious....and then fear sets in....that I may have another attack ...... followed by depression .... Why me God?

The cycle....panic attack....fear....depression....anxiety...fear...attack....depression....followed by intermittent period of wellbeing......How I envy you all who don't have to bear this cross.
But I am not going to let this ruin my life and happiness and i will keep on fighting it....fighting it till I get well......and the day will come!
If you have any experience and are willing to share, drop in a line at now_here32@rediffmail.com

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